Let’s Talk About Improvisational Sex
Improvisational sex can be the best sex you have ever had!
I have worked with a lot of skeptical couples, but I assure them that when they relax and lean into improvisational sex something truly amazing happens. Their sexual relationship is re-ignited, and they find themselves enjoying sex more and feeling physically and emotionally closer.
But what exactly is improvisational sex, and what makes it so good?
Improvisational sex is precisely that. It is sex without an agenda — without a destination. It’s an ad-libbed entanglement, a riff-based rapture, musical mattress mastery, spontaneous physical poetry, live-looped overtures, jam-spun jubilee, off-beat beatitudes.
You with me?
The idea is that intimate sexual exchanges flow organically in the moment without a fixed structure, score or evaluating sexual performance. It is sex without pre-ordained routines or outcomes, creating a romantic interlude of surprise and mutual joy. Improvisational sex detours from the conventional linear process that most people think of as a sexual encounter.
A lot of heterosexual couples start with desire (mentalizing their desire for sex), followed by arousal (erections, moistness, erect nipples), perhaps some kissing, fondling body parts, perhaps some oral sex, insert penis here, thrust, thrust, thrust, thrust, orgasm and — ahhh. Done! I’m not saying that the conventional linear thinking is wrong, just that it can limit the whole experience.
The endpoint of sex in most people’s minds is orgasm. It is the purpose of having sex, and if sex ends without orgasm, some folks feel as though sex is incomplete, or that it has failed. This perspective tends to minimize all of the other wonderful and pleasurable pursuits happening before orgasm. Folks tend to look at the other parts of sex strictly as precursors to orgasm, and as a result they don’t give as much attention to touching, kissing, caressing bodies, and other fun stuff like using toys and/or enjoying oral sex. There is a tendency to rush through the other parts, and rush to the penetration as if that’s what will bring everyone involved to orgasm.
I have worked with men who think that if they can’t bring their partner to orgasm, they have failed. So, they either work harder, or they start believing there is something “wrong” with her. Situations like this can cause big problems in the bedroom. When a man is hyper-focused on bringing his partner to orgasm, he is not fully present in the experience, and — she can feel that.
Other men might think that using their ‘go-to’ technique, “the one that worked on other partners,” will also work on their current partner. So he goes at it with gusto, and a vigor that evokes frenzy fueled fondlings. Again, he could find himself in quite the predicament. This might sound bizarre, but women have needs separate from having the orgasm.
Don’t get me wrong orgasm can be a great finale to sex.
I’m just saying some women enjoy all of the other parts of the sexual encounter more than penetration and the moment of orgasm. But if a man focuses on achieving a goal (either her orgasm or his) he tends to rush through the parts of the sexual encounter his partner may want to bask in as a way of activating ultimate pleasure. And amazingly, a lot women enjoy penetration, even if they never have an orgasm from it.
Research shows that many women do not achieve orgasm with penile penetration alone. Some women also need some kind of clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Some prefer firmer clitoral stimulation; some like it lighter, and some prefer no direct clitoral touch at all if she is sensitive. Some women actually do not have orgasms, struggle to have orgasms and/or are not focused on it at all. In this case, if the partner “keeps trying,” it puts a lot of pressure on her to “perform” and this is the #1 reason why 70% of all women admit to faking their orgasms. A woman may fake orgasms to get sex over, especially when she isn’t getting what she wants. Or because her partner’s heroic efforts become too painful. If he rubs her clit too hard, she will wince and squirm, not because it feels good — because it hurts!
I found men who measure their sexual performance on the number of orgasms women have. It’s crazy and it’s not sexy or desirable. It is a job; it is labor intensive for all parties involved. Sex should be a joy ride filled with ecstasy, not a 9 to 5.
Don’t forget that women’s bodies are different. What one woman finds pleasurable is not necessarily pleasurable to another women or what she wants. If a man believes he has been a great lover with other women (who were probably faking orgasms most of the time), he will reach for the go-to technique to get him to his goal. When his go-to doesn’t work on the current partner, he sees her as defective. He thinks, “But it worked on all my other partners.” The problem is usually not her, but his ego. Some men do not want to or think that they should have to work to discover what their partner enjoys. It’s easier to blame her, and women know that.
The problems I just mentioned above are widespread with couples where one partner or the other complains about the frequency of sex, the duration of sex, or the limited pleasure they experience during sex. The good news is that these problems are easy to remedy.
When couples liberate themselves from seeing orgasm as the determining factor of whether or not sex was “successful” or “good,” it opens up limitless possibilities for gratifying exploration which always enhances the sexual experience for both women and men. In one session, the couple may spend the entire experience kissing, touching, or doing something else that is enjoyable, even if it does not end in orgasm. That said, some people might think they would leave that sexual experience “frustrated.” However, by pressing the pause button on the “all or none” thinking which is typical of performance and orgasm driven sex, and being fully present in the moment without worrying about what is coming next, pleasure is enhanced. Slowing things down and lingering over an exchange of touching allows the brain and nerve endings a chance to register the satisfaction at a much deeper level than skimming over the same area quickly. Most of us have had the experience of wishing our partner would spend more time on a particularly erotic spot.
Improvisational sex eliminates the pressure to perform for both women and men. When women are free to experience sex fully, with or without the expectation of orgasm, it is more likely to happen (because they are relaxed). The freedom to allow one’s body to do what it does naturally is liberating.
Great sex usually depends on getting out of one’s ego! And into one’s body. It also eliminates the pressure on men to “make it happen.” Some men are so concerned about their “sexual performance” that the mental stress can trigger difficulties with getting or maintaining an erection. Sexual pleasure can be very high with or without penetration and with or without orgasm — for everyone!
Try it.
P.S. Welcome all new followers.
With radical gratitude,
Dr. Paula
If you’re married or in a committed relationship reach out for help if you need it. dr.paulamsmith@gmail.com
